Before you start reading, I ask you to read the complete story.
Even when you are getting mad directly in the beginning. And there will be readers who will.
I did not write this to offend you, but to give you some insight in life and maybe also in yourself.
The Truth, the Whole Truth...
And Nothing BUT the Truth?
Are you sure you want it? Do you really want to hear it?
The Truth? The correct answer is probably...
NO, you won't.
I bet most of you will think "of course I want to hear the truth".
Who is she to say that I do not want to hear the truth, the most important thing for me.
The Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth.
Only the truth can set me free, isn't it?
Please do not stop reading here. I will give you examples.
Examples you all will recognize. And while recognizing sometimes, even maybe thinking... Wow... Never thought of this!
Of course, there is a difference between telling the truth and being plain rude.
Many will not recognize the difference.
Most of the time when people are being plain rude, they do not mind if it hurts the other person(s).
People telling the truth do not want to hurt others. Only tell the truth.
In several countries of Europe (and I think this goes for all the countries), it is the same.
Some, just a few, appreciate the truth always.
Most rather have a smoothed version or a blunt lie.
Because often the plain, honest, truth feels like an attack.
The words said to us, sometimes point out a week part of our personality. Or our appearance.
Or we think/feel that it does.
And then it is something we, even when we know it, not want to hear.
Not from a friend, family member, nor a stranger.
In my personal life, at my work, and as a Life Coach, I am normally honest. Direct, maybe even blunt.
Although I adapt to the person I am talking with, I am not fake.
Adapting is what some can do naturally, some can learn.
Others will think they understand, others never will understand.
You can learn to adapt following the DISC or the Myers-Briggs method.
My personal preference is the Myers-Briggs method. DISC only has four Types. And my humble opinion that is too little for all Human Beings.
I ask the right questions, many questions, to help clients see themselves how they can change a certain attitude.
Asking many questions, going deeper each time. Not to be rude, but to help. To get answers from within.
And as we all know. When an answer comes from within most likely you will stick to this solution.
As I am Dutch I must have received this "being plain honest" during birth.
Although many Dutch also do not like to hear the truth. Yet they say they will. Till you tell them.
My motto: If you do not want to know the truthful answer I will give you, PLEASE don't ask me the question.
And I for myself rather hear the painful truth than a really nice lie.
To not hurt my feeling... So wrong, I am not stupid and will find out sooner or later.
And at that time... Hide yourself, as I will be as angry as can be!
Most of the time I will find out sooner. I recognize a lie 99% of its time when it is told.
And then I order myself to stay polite.
Because the truth will always find its way.
And, what we may not forget. When you lie to someone, you also lie to yourself.
Not to mention all the lies you have to remember!
Tell the truth and you do not have to remember the lies!
Now for the examples. Let's start with a few we probably all will recognize:
1: You have bought a nice dress. One of your friends tells you that the color makes you very pale. And that you should wear a shawl with it to brighten up the tone of your skin.
2: You ask your partner if he thinks your but is big in the jeans you wear. He says to "your but looks nice, and he loves bigger ones, as he is a "but" man".
3: After a visit to the hairdresser, you are very proud of the result. Both the color and style. And you meet your mother for lunch. The first thing she says "wow, with this haircut you look like the *name of the family member you're not a fan about*.
Most of the time we like to hear these answers:
1: What a beautiful dress is that you are wearing. Is it new?
2: No, honey your but looks perfect in your jeans. Exactly how you did 20 years ago. Remember when we met?
3: That is the most beautiful haircut and color you've ever had. It fits you perfectly!
I think you can rely upon upper examples.
Below I will give you another, a longer and more difficult one. Real life.
Before you need some information. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. It took me ages to get over the damage she had done to me.
But also which I allowed her to do to me. After I found out about her destroying personality.
One of the characteristics is that they do not care about the feelings of other persons. There own is the best, the most important and nothing will get in their way. To name just one.
I was a member of a group "daughters of narcissistic mothers".
One day a member told in the group that she was really mad about the way her mother arranged HER wedding.
Everyone was feeling sorry for her.
All I could think was "WTF is her mother arranging her wedding?" So I asked her.
And that was the start of the below conversation.
Me: Why is she arranging your wedding?
She: Because I am too lazy for it and I have asked her.
Me: So you asked your narcissistic mother to arrange your wedding because you are too lazy? (I really thought I didn't understand this correctly).
Me: Do you think you have the right to complain because you yourself have asked her to arrange your wedding? Because you are too lazy. Isn't that strange as we all know how our mothers will do these things? The way they like it and not the way you like it. But still, you have in this no right to complain. You caused it yourself.
Straightforward isn't it, but the truth.
She: Wow, you are SO RUDE!
Me: No, I am honest, there is a difference between rude and honest.
She: No, you are plain rude and mean.
Me: Are you sure you are not the narcissistic person here? Because your reaction is exactly how a narcissistic person would have reacted. (I admit, this last sentence could have been left out, although it is how Narcissistic persons react often).
After this, I was removed, without warning, from the group.
Being honest indeed don't give you friends often.
There will be readers who think "yes, that was plain rude".
But, I'll ask you this. Would you a mother, who destroyed a huge part of your life (because that is what narcissistic people do to you), let arrange your wedding? Knowing she would do it not how you want it, but how she wants it? And then complaining about it? Because you are too lazy?
It was not my intention to be rude. I still do not think I was. I wanted to give her some insight into the cause.
And how she might be able to change that habit.
You can not be misused by another human being when you do not give permission for it.
This permission can be:
* Keeping your mouth shut
* Saying yes, even when you mean no
* Giving permission, while you know it is the worst idea ever, to another person to do something for your personal life. Like arranging your Wedding.
In my opinion, due to experience, deep in her heart she knew it was the worst decision she'd made. But for some reason, she could not admit this to herself.
And that is why she got mad at me.
According to the others who were talking out of both sides of their mouth. As of course it also for everyone who does this.
If you want to speak the truth, but you do not dare it. Or do not know how to start.
There are some simple tricks to avoid being too direct.
1: I for myself would never buy such a dress. Yet the dress looks really good on you!
2: Honey, your but is not as slim as it was when we met 20 years ago. But that is normal. You've had 3 children. And I do not love you less for it. And still, you look marvelous!
3: I am so proud of you, that you dare to wear such a modern haircut and color. You are as dreadnought as I was, and I am proud of you for that.
When you want to contact me to talk about what I have written please use the Contact Form.
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5 Reasons Why You Should Tell the Truth
I can add a number 6.
When telling the truth, you do not need to remember the lie you have been telling.
9 Signs You’re Lying to Yourself Without Knowing It.