How I Forgot to be Happy & Joyful
From a Very Young Age...
Doesn't everybody deserves a Joyful life with Happiness?
I do believe this. But why is it so difficult to achieve it?
Isn't Happiness a state of mind?
As is being Joyful?
Yes, it is. And that is exactly why it can be very difficult to achieve.
All people are programmed. Programmed by what happened in our past. What was being told to us.
Settled in our Subconscious Mind is how think about things and how we act & react to circumstances.
Let me tell you a more about my youth. I am the oldest of 3. My siblings are almost 2 and almost 7 years younger.
We grew up in a middle-class family. Most of the time, as not always, short of money. And, my personal opinion, also short of Joy, Happiness & Love.
Love at least from mothers side.
She had an incredibly dominating personality. Only after I had passed my 40's I learned that she was a narcissist.
I was/am the Scape Goat turning in to the Black Sheep of the family. Since a very young age, there was nothing I could do right.
Always I was told that I was not good enough, that what I felt was wrong. That my ideas were wrong. That the things I loved doing were wrong.
When I talk about the things I loved doing think about:
Dancing (Ballroom & Latin), going for a drink with friends. Sleepover at friends or at my home. Going to a movie in the theater. Etc.
All the times I asked if I could do some of my favorite things, my request was denied. By my mother.
Sometimes though I was given an alternative. Something she liked. Folk dancing (which I finally accepted only to be away from home) instead of Ballroom & Latin.
Watch a Disney movie instead of another movie in the theater. Yeah right. With my boyfriend?
All the other times, most of the times, I was told that the things I liked weren't things I should like. They were not worth liking, awful etc.
I was being told this over and over. From a very young age.
This settled in my Subconscious Mind.
And what happened to me?
I learned that I am not worthy. Not worthy to enjoy the things I liked. Because they weren't nice things to do. That I was wrong, very wrong in my thoughts and feelings.
Imagine, I was 50 years old when I told this to somebody other then one of the two therapists I had consulted, I was not able to enjoy anything.
Anything at all. As I am not worthy feeling Joy, Happiness, Fun etc.
Although my Conscious Mind knows I am worthy the Subconscious Mind rules over the Conscious Mind.
Until today I find it difficult to grant/allow myself something. Whether it is a cup of coffee on a terrace. Or smiling because I like something.
I KNOW I AM allowed to have Fun. Feel Joy & Happiness. Yet it is difficult to feel it. As this little voice still is there.
But bit by bit I am learning to be Joyful & Happy. And every victory is one. One that has to be Celebrated. That is allowed to be Celebrated!
"If it is GOOD it's Wonderful. If it is BAD, it is Experience".
I have above saying hanging on my wall.
And another is "You get in Life what you have the COURAGE to ask for".
Do I believe in both quotes?
Yes, I do. Yet I still have difficulties asking. Asking for Mindfulness, Love, Peace, Material things.
When it is for myself. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my o so unconscious mind there is something telling me that I am "NOT WORTH IT".
I know it is my interpretation of the truth. Of course I am worth it, but still, the little devil (or as it is called in Ho'oponopono "the inner child") keeps popping up.
I have been doing most of all things I had/needed to do my whole life, or at least the biggest part, alone.
And when I finally was able to ask for help and believe me this can take years, people let me down.
No time, forgot etc. etc.
This resulted in the fact that I pulled myself back even more than I normally did (introverted personality).
That I almost had no contact anymore. With no one except colleagues. But only at work.
My way to survive rejections was being alone. Loneliness.
Not the best way. I am the first to confirm this.
As this started at a very young age, somewhere in my Subconscious mind it was settled "Asking for help, makes no sense. You can trust only yourself. Others cannot be trusted".
Probably ALL OVER in my Subconscious mind.
And o jeez... this Subconscious mind, which is ruling our lives without noticing it.
You do things without even knowing why you are doing it. Because you are used to doing it this way.
Because it feels SAFE to do so. Even when it has not the results you want.
As you Subconscious mind mumbles something like "You see, you are not worth it. Didn't I tell you so!". Or "Why trying it over and over again, you will fail every time!"
The beauty of this is that, as soon as you become aware of it YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT!
Change this life-killing behavior.
No, it is not easy. It is still a Daily struggle, but I will eventually learn.
I am stubborn enough!
Read How I Relearned to be Joyful & Happy.