1983 - 2008
Late Teens to Adulthood in My Forties
After a, putting it mildly, a not so nice childhood I rolled into my teenage years.
As said at that particular page I can not remember much from that time.
I do remember an awful lot from my early youth, but I must have blocked the memory from most of my Teenage Years.
Now and then I have flashbacks. Mostly when I hear a sound or smell something.
And I remember things clearly which were gone for a long time.
In the Netherlands you have to decide at a young age what "you want to become later" at a pretty young age.
As you have to adapt the course package you need for this education.
When you are on a small sized school this means you have to chose wisely.
For example in the year before my exam I had to chose between Physics & French. As they would be given on the same day and at the same time.
And also in these days it was not possible to be at two places the same time.
And online classes didn't exist yet. Nor did the internet...
As I was good in both alpha & beta classes I decided to chose those which could help me in the future.
The first job I wanted to do was being a Police Agent. Yet, not possible. There was a minimum height for this. And I was shorter.
I knew this at an early stage and although I was disappointed, I decided that I wanted to do something in Tourism.
Going to the Southern part of Europe. To live and work there.
And that is when I learned I wasn't allowed to study for this.
My mother told me I had to "Learn for a job which will stay".
Like a nurse, a teacher (yet saying "I feel sorry for your patients" and "I feel sorry for your students") she said.
Otherwise they wouldn't support me during my study.
At that time I didn't want to become a teacher. Strange because I have a very good feeling for explaining others things. And I do like it.
But there were so many stories that teachers got burned out because of horrible students.
And I didn't want that for myself.
Never thought about the fact that there is also adult education. Simply because it hardly existed that time.
I decided the to try to become a nurse. At an in service schooling. More because I was pushed then that I really wanted to become one.
It was/is for sure an profession which always will be needed.
After a long day of interviews and tests (I was only 17 years old at that time) I was accepted for the education.
I think mainly because I had a good answer to the question (I still remember who asked it, although it is, at the time of writing this Blog, now 36 year ago)
"what would you say to the husband from a woman with breast cancer, who doesn't want her to have Chemotherapy treatment?"
And I remember my answer also. "I would explain him that Chemotherapy treatment is a heavy treatment, but without it, she will probably not survive".
Because I was accepted I had to move out and live on myself.
The job was on the mainland of the Netherlands. Only 20 kilometers away, but on the other side of the sea.
Which I really liked.
But I didn't became wild. Didn't do things my mother wouldn't want me to do.
Not other then viewing series on the TV I wasn't allowed to see at home.
Although I sometimes went for a drink.
Yet, when you grew up with hearing every time "That is not nice", "At home it is cheaper" (when you want to have a coffee on a terrace) etc. etc., you are so indoctrinated it is hard to forget.
Even when I really wanted to do something. There always was, there still is, that little devil on my shoulder saying words my mother would have said.
Even when I was on my own.
Over and over again.
I got terrible eczema on my hands. And I wasn't able to stay working as a nurse.
Which I didn't mind, as it was not a fitting job for me.
Although I was good at it.
That is something I have from fathers side... When you do something, you do it how it supposed to be done. No excuses.
I started to follow classes in Computer Technology. Learned on the spot.
Worked on administration, as Application Manager. Became a manager.
Had some relations. Which I couldn't keep healthy.
I felt alone most of the times. Hardly had friends.
Some, but never somebody who really understood me.
How could they? When you are not even able to understand it yourself?!
Followed many classes to educate myself.
Got married and divorced.
My father became very sick in 1992. A few months after I got married.
Although he lived for another 22,5 years, he never has been able to do the things he wanted.
I prayed to take me instead of my father. As I was not happy at all with my life.
Moved to the middle of the country for another job.
Still in health care but going direction IT more.
I trained doctors and nurses in the Hospital Application which I was Application Manager for.
Every winter I had an enormous Winter Depression.
Depending on the summer it started in August or September. And lasted till at least the next year March.
Horrible. I went to work but that was the only thing I did. My cats saved me. I only went out when they hadn't food anymore.
That was the only time during these months I came out of my house. Except for working.
I was having unhealthy relationships. Not only with my mother, but with partners as well.
Went home now and then. Where my mother still told me what to do, but more important what not to do.
Even in my 30's and 40's she told me which time I had to come home. That I was not allowed to go to a bar etc.
When I was almost 31 years I finally went in therapy for the first time.
More than 2 years I followed weekly sometimes 2 or 3 times a week a personal therapy session.
Due to everything that came above I was not able to work for more than 7 months. My body simply didn't want to do what it should do. I had a horrible Burn Out.
At this time I was still working in Health Care, as head of a small department, and they weren't happy with me becoming ill.
Advised me to stop therapy.
For some time during therapy, I cut the ties with my mother.
Had a nice relationship. Until he became Manic depressive. And he didn't want to ask for help.
During that time I had a miscarriage.
After coming back I (I started with a build up program from 2 hours every other day), I had a conversation with the head of the HR department.
And he thought it was a very good idea to tell me "You have no personality, nothing at all".
Imagine that someone whom you never spoke with before tells you this on one of the first days being back after a enormous Burn Out.
I decided it was time to go one. Look for another job. I didn't want to work in a company with such a head of HR.
But first I needed to be completely healthy. Which took me a few months.
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From there I became involved with IT related jobs more and more.
Yet I still had the feeling/idea in the back of my mind that I wanted to work in the South of Europe.
The idea I had when I wanted to be educated for a Tourism job in my Teenage years.
Though still I had not the courage, saw no possibility how to achieve this.
The IT jobs were at that time in Dublin or India.
As I still had the Winter Depressions I didn't want to go to Dublin.
India I didn't want either. Although I was not afraid of becoming homesick, you'll never know. And go back for a few days from India to the Netherlands would be Expensive and Difficult.
And of course there was the family telling "You will never make it". "What do you think you are able to do there?" etc.
With family I mean my mother. And an uncle who had the same personality as she had.
I learned later, years later, that my father wanted the become a truck driver. But my mother told him she would not allow him to do that.
In the meantime I bought a house, which I sold again later.
Got a pretty long term relationship.
I had an ectopic pregnancy. Which was treated with chemotherapy. Where I have been very sick of. During more than one year.
Mainly all the bones in my body hurt. I could not sit, stand, lay. Nothing. Every bone in my body was hurting. And my joints... A Horrible Pain.
Most of this years I felt pity for myself. Hadn't I suffer enough? Wasn't I allowed to have happy times?
Not understanding that I was attracting this negativity myself. It took me many more years before I understood this.
The Law of Attraction...
After a few years I was single again. Hardly in contact with my family.
I couldn't trust them. As everything we spoke about was told to my mother.
Kept feeling stuck about all the things happened in my youth and I decided to get back in therapy again.
For almost 2 years I had EMDR sessions. Which helped me a lot.
The therapist also learned me to go for my goals. To achieve them. Get clear what I wanted.
At the end of 2007 I decided it was really time to go and work in the South of Europe.
I had a very well paying job as Software Tester/Help-desk Manager but I was so bored.
And the feeling "I have to do this" popped up every other minute.
As at that time working in IT was still almost only in Dublin & India, I searched on the internet (which still was in the early years) for jobs asked in the South of Europe.
What I found was "Holiday Representatives" & "Hotel Animators". Tourism related jobs.
Immediately I started to follow courses and within a few months I found my first job.
When you want something. Go for it!
Whether you are 20 years old or 40 years old. Don't let age stop you.
Age is just a number!
I was almost 43 years old when I went working in the South of Europe for the first time!